Time Travel with iAN
Seeing as how I have a Time Machine and seeing that i am iAN
i'd be doing a hell of a lot more things than just the one and the first thing i would do is go back and undo all those abortions I had.
First things first.
Load the time machine up with plenty of beer, irish whiskey, silk cut cigarettes, condoms, viagra, brass knuckles, vitamin C, Echinacea, and zippo lighters.
I would have already installed a CD player and brought along my BRMC, Mark Lanegan, Nick Cave, Sarabeth Tucek, The Black Ryder, The Verve's A storm in Heaven, Air's Moon Safari, and some Ennio Morricone,
a pair of black 60's Fly Eye Sunglasses, my dirty motorcycle boots, dirty denim, dirty t shirt, leather jacket and I almost forgot...
my trusty black rubber cock ring, phew!
The first place I would go to is Cedar Rapids, Iowa in the year of our lord 1976.
I would kidnap a man by the name of Larry Kutcher and haul his kitchen arse into my time machine and drop him off on Hollywood & Vine in the year of our lord 1985, thus preventing the un-holy birth of you guessed it.
Ashton Kutcher. MOVING RIGHT ALONG NOW!
What a gawd damned way of starting off a trip i tell ya...feeling in need of a drink, i would travel forward and go to the Viper Room (Yawn...) and have a 7 & 7, and 3 Miller Lites in a Pint glass and smoke a few silks (cigarettes)...and yes then I would kidnap River Phoenix's dumb young ass and drop him off in the bloody Rain Forest, give him a canteen of water, slap his fuckun' face and tell him to wise the fuck up and then..? Well I'd split.
I'm telling you this Time travel shit is starting to be a real pain in the cock!
You know just for my pain and trouble, i would crack a couple of beers from the back seat of the T-Machine and boogie on down to London and just slap the living shit out of H.G. Wells for the silly Hell of it! Then Split!
I can already hear some of you...why hasn't he gone to Germany and put a butterfly knife into Hitler's left temple?
Because if it wasn't him...you can't afford to be this naive...it would have fuckun' been some other performer.
So I have to round the block a few years forward or back, I check my computer and I kidnap Jack the Ripper before he can get to the girls.
I cut his ear off and drop his arrogant junk off into the Grand Canyon and then space back and drop his ear off with Van Gogh, tell him to quit suckin' on
turpentine and haul his ginger headed arse into my machine...he's a smaller chap, but i brass knuckle his bullshit anyways. I take him to an auction in
New York so he can see his painting sell for 59 million dollars and I leave him there, just to fuck with his scalp.
I am trying to decide if i should go back and brass knuckle H.G. just one more time...one more belt across his jaw...fuckun' knobber!
I don't know why I brought all those condoms and viagra...all this vacuous work has me plum tuckered out and feeling about as sexy as any album by the band, The Eagles...and that som'bitch Glen Freyy with that song Sunset Grill? I should go and ring his fuckun' neck...but naw...I'm feelin' a little wiped out, a little dusty...I'll have mercy on his soul and theirs..disgusting lot. Time for a wee nap.
I wake up refreshed...replenished and yes...another 3 beers please and we are Off...
I zip on over to France and give a thank you card and a fleur to Rimbaud and haul ass, no time for chitter-chat brother...I can't speak french.
I set my dials back to the beginning of time. I get out...I see a boy and a girl..it's Adam and Eve!
I see the pomegranate tree...I see the slitherin' snake with the two inch human babydick hangin' from the twisted branches and I bum rush them with a six pack of beer...they have no fear...they look like sleepy children.
The snake recoils back into the tree. Trust in me...right fucker.
I keep checkin' out the overcast sky
keepin' it clocked for the hand of God and then in my best sign language i struggle to explain to him how his sweetheart is gonna fuck up the sweet ride by chompin' the apple of knowledge...I point to the tree and wave my hands in the fashion of "Fuck No!" they still just look at me like sleepy happy children...itsa lost cause I tell ya...these two make cavemen look like a clan of Stephen Hawking graduates. There's no point here folks...I grab a pomegranate and it feels like a grenade in my palm, I get them to follow me somehow to the T-Machine and there I slide the Stone Roses into the stereo...I watched their eyes change into fire and pow! They start fucking right then and there like
I bend down put the so called apple in her hand
Eve nearly bites my fuckun' wrist off!
She crunches into that bulbous little heart of a thing and there is a burst of Lightning like Moses just took a shit alongside Elvis
i jump in the T-Machine, set my dials to Hollywood 1977, and just as a huge cloud turns into a pointer finger, I vanish the fuck outta there!
That was too close..too close for things that are just too fucking close Sir!
Flying through time and space...the colours are like black sugar oxygen...I put on a storm in Heaven....and swirl away from there in a soft spin...
Oh! I almost forgot to tell you.
Adam and Eve were black people.
Talk about sexy on the grassy dance floor...beautiful people.
So I am in Hollywood...1977, feeling like a bag of hammered assholes and the first person I see is Kim Fowley and I am already bored.
Not only that but I have changed History by turning A & E onto the Stone Roses...so I sit the dials to 000:00 and just hover for a spell inside the womb of Nowhere thinking....
So many fine people throughout History...but why bother them? Even famous people have problems sky high you know....and not only that but I am tired of flying around in this bastard machine and performing task....I crack 3 beers and take a power nap....I drift off son.....
I go to New York faster than a rotten lover can fuck you over and I throttle the fuck out of this fatty arsed chap holding a record in his hand...i kick his nuts black and bleu...I coldcock his sorry ride like a vulture... beakfucking a roly poly. John Lennon walks by...I wave and smile and haul this sack of shit to the machine..fly his sorry shit back to the Grand Canyon...dump his arse in and wash my hands of it like Pilate loaded on Miller Lite...shit! I forgot to bring the absinthe!
I fly back in time to Mexico...and flirt up Frida Kahlo preventing her from catching her bus.
Back in my machine...I got loads more to do...but I'll fly this back to my garage and head it on out some other night...I think I've done enough damage for one evening...I sit the dials for the future....I got one last Stop
Brixton Academy, Decembre' 11th, 2010 - B.R.M.C. - 1000th show that I fuckun' missed, but now i haven't!!! Told you I would be there in Spirit* - Wink*Wink*
Of course like any of you, I'd really go back and see my loved ones, pets and friends that have all gone off to the happy hunting grounds....over and over and over again...forever.... . *
Ask iAN a CraZy QUesTion yOu Just May gEt a CRaZy
Thank You Brittany, bless yer heart