Ask iAN

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ASK iAN * A KIND LETTER

95bde166c05b11e2b8cc22000a1d2017_7 Hi iAN! This is a bit late but I wanted to tell you how much I loved your post that you made on Facebook about Peter the other day. The other morning, when I first work up....as I always do first thing, I check my phone. Your post was the first thing on my timeline and though not fully awake, I read on and I'm not sure how but in some way, your words seemed to sink deeper in my mind...my heart that morning. Maybe it was because they say when one first wakes up, their mind is more open or maybe its because I hold a special place in my heart for Peter but in the end, I lay back for a while with a million different things coursing through me....some I'm not sure I can explain. However, that's a part of why I'm here, to try and express how your words made me feel. First off, my heart practically burst into a thousand embarrassing little hearts and colors and other silly things when I read the last part of your writing for how much you care about/love Peter. Truly, your honesty and frankness in how much you care for the guy (and in general, this band) is one of the most wonderful things I've ever known. Whether its just the world in general today or just my side of the tracks, I feel sometimes that I just don't see enough true, honest expression about people caring for one another.....especially as open as you were in your words. Some people tend to find it really embarrassing to show any type of honest love and affection these days and I know it can be even more so with men because 'its not cool' and they 'don't want to come off as unmanly or gay' and all that other bullshit that has nothing to do what it is to be a man or a woman or whatever...but that's a whole other rant I don't need to get into at the moment. The point is, I admired your words so much and they wrapped a warm feeling around my heart that has stayed ever since reading them. And well, simply how sweet you all are with one another and how you are towards them in general is just damn awesome. I don't know too much about your friendship with Peter but I sense a deep understanding and compassion that you have with him.....something I think a lot of people have a problem finding in this 'fandom'. Majority of the time, people tend to see Peter as the 'bad ass/rock n roll/everyone can fuck off/I'm too cool for everyone' guitarist and as 'interesting' as that can be to include in a review or whatever, I feel it keeps a lot of people from approaching him or generally assuming the wrong thing about Peter. All of which can be really frustrating at times which I try to not let get to me but can be difficult anyway. But even so, in the end, those words don't matter especially when they're cut down as I read you calling Peter "sweetie boy" and "baby" and saying that "you love him so very much".....just a few examples that portray how much heart you have in speaking about Peter which mirror my feelings towards him as the human being he is in their own right. Because I don't see Peter as 'scary', 'intimidating', 'difficult to talk with' and many other crazyiness that people speak of about when telling their "band meeting" stories. I think that Peter is a really incredible, special person but its just different in getting to know/understand him. At least that is my theory.....I wont pretend to be the expert of this band. For your words though, thank you for being honest open loving and most of all, unashamed to show your feelings not only in person but your writing as well....especially in how you love your dear friends that are BRMC. As for Peter, I really do adore/love that man to death. I know I don't know him personally but over the past 4 years of getting to know this band through their words, music, interviews etc. I've come to care so much for them and Peter specifically has been such an inspiration to me as a guitarist and led me to to pick up the harmonica and find immense passion/heart when singing among many other things. By the time I got to BRMC in 2010, I was pretty broken and messed up which later got a bit worse after my mom passed but as I've said to you before, BRMC helped me a lot.....helped put some sturdy patches on my heart and make it into something new and working again. And just when I thought the love for them couldn't get any more bigger, there I found myself with all of you that night at the Troubadour and by the end of it all, I was half delirious with love and such an immense feeling of connection. In terms of that connection, there were moments of that so beautiful but there were a few others that I didn't expect to find, one of which being when you told us a bit of Peter's story in how his mom had cancer. I'm not really sure if I'll ever be able to express how stunned I felt but for now, I'll put that simply, it was a shock and something we just hadn't expected to hear. This being even more so as I went through someone battling cancer and who passed away from it which was my youngest niece Megan in 2002. Kris and I went home, somewhat dazed from your sharing that and well, to put it simply, my heart broke a bit that night. I don't know when that happened in Peter's life but I'm guessing some time has passed from it thus maybe some healing has occurred for Peter hopefully and I dare not insult him by saying the 'typical' things upon hearing of someone's past pain as they can do more harm than good but, in the end, I understand how difficult it is to go through that realm in Life. I'm not sure if there will ever be anything I can do or say as I feel so far there isn't anything anyone can do or say for me or you or Robert, Peter and Leah who have lost people in their lives but in the end, I think I found a measure of comfort in knowing we all understand one another or as you said "carpooling in the mortuary lane together" We may have all lost a number of people in our lives before but I'm happy we all found each other to spend some time with for at least a while that night in L.A and hope that Kris and I brought something to you all in matching how much you brought to us. I end this with the hope that this all makes at least some sense as it can be a little difficult for me to express my feelings/thoughts some times and that you get the full meaning of what I'm trying to say. and lastly, I thank you so much for sharing your own feelings/thoughts online because its been a new inspiration and given me more hope. Much love, Maria