Ask iAN

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ASK iAN * THANK YOU MARIA

Hey Ian,
Maria here. Sorry its taken a while for me to send you an email. Things got pretty crazy for us after we saw you, Ruben, Peter, Leah and Robert in L.A. We got home to Washington last night alright though.
So like you asked me to, I'm sending you the photos we all took together at the Troubadour.
I cannot say enough how happy I was to meet you. Seriously, it was a fucking blast and you're going to laugh, but I wasn't sure if you'd like me (something that constantly drove Kristen crazy) but truly, I am not able to express how thankful I am that you took the time to spend a while with us and deal with my crazy self and that you asked Robert to come out and say hello to Kristen and I. Before the show, I had no expectations to meet anyone as I felt like it was a day for Robert and you all and didn't want to intrude on anything as I figured it would be an emotional time all around. I can only imagine how Robert felt before and after everything....same for Peter and Leah. So you understand why I hadn't planned to meet anyone. Guess I need to learn by now that things never seem to go as planned.....
It really was so kind of you to bring down Robert though. Again, I'm at loss of words to say how happy I was. Not just that but most of all, I honestly just wanted to give him a hug after all he's been through. I don't know if you heard me say this to him, but I truly meant it when I said that I was proud of him. The strength and courage of this band has been so inspiring to me and shown that as someone who as lost a parent, that I can get through it all. The early nights after my mom's death, if it hadn't been for Peter, Robert and Leah's music, I'm not sure I would have made it through some times there. They've all been a major inspiration to me and I was happy to finally be able to tell them after so long.
For that, I also cannot say thank you enough for the time we got to spend with you. I'm sorry if I come off as a little too serious sometimes....it just happens. I struggle a lot with my anxieties and shyness. If you hadn't been there to break the ice, I feel like the negative part of my mind would've gotten the best of me as it often has before. Also, it was simply nice to chat with someone else who I can share the same thoughts with. For once (other than Kristen) I felt like with you that I was finally speaking with someone that understood me and would get the things I was saying. There's so much more I would like to discuss with you and ask but I know that's for another time which is why I meant it when I said you're more than welcome to visit us here in WA. But yea, its very rare when I actually feel comfortable talking with someone about the things I feel/go through and honestly, there were a few times there I was struggling not to cry because of the kind things you said to me. Also, to put it plainly, thank you for being just so fucking honest and real. By the time I met you, that very much was needed. and on a non related note, I was so fucking happy to finally get to talk to someone that knew Rowland S. Howard. Seriously, its like we're the only people that know his music sometimes and I just cannot say enough how much I love his music. Its been a very long time since I've written any material but the last thing I put together was a poem about Rowland. Speaking of, I know you asked to see some of my writing, but that'll be another email. I need to work up the courage first lol I know it sounds ridiculous but I honestly do feel my stuff isnt good enough for anyone to see. Lately Ive been going through some old material though....editing things and I'm going to start writing again soon down the line. There's actually a poem I wrote for Robert in 2010 when I heard about Michael's passing that I said I would give him one day but never finished, so I guess I better get to work on that seeing as we're seeing BRMC next month.
Its crazy, I never expected life to be as it is right now. I can't remember if we told you or not, but we only decided to come to the Call show just 4 days before it. Funny thing is though, from the moment I heard about the whole thing a while ago, I always had this feeling that we needed to go. Its a bit hard to explain but it felt like such an out there feeling at the time because it seemed such an impossible idea. And by the time those 4 days before the show came, the idea seemed even MORE crazy as there seemed to be even more odds stacked against us than before. Also, I was honestly afraid too.....I hadn't been to California in 10 years (long story there....) and as someone who's lived a sheltered life, it can be hard for me to step out and experience the world. Since that night in L.A. with everyone though, Ive felt an immense amount of growth and seeing you all was like getting together with family after a long awaited time. There was definitely some surreal moments like hanging out there taking photos or seeing the show or down to when you were finding Robert, we were sitting there talking with Ruben and I was telling him how its a hope that someday I'll may be able to sing with Peter. But surreal or not, it just felt very right and I felt such an immense amount of happiness that I didnt know was possible.
Alright, well I'll wrap this up so I don't take up too much of your time. Again, thank you so much for everything and I hope we get to see each other soon and keep in touch when you can. Please pass along our love to Robert, Leah and Peter and tell them they're in our thoughts (as are you.) and that we're looking forward to seeing them in Portland next month.
Much love,
Maria              MRRI K.R M.R                                          You do Music, writing, painting (or whatever yer fucking medium) at first because You do it for Yourself, then should You be lucky enough to have somebody embrace it, it creates a whole new dimension on why You create, because You long to bring joy, You long to strengthen that tie that binds us through the beating heart and through the universal feelings of belonging, suffering the familiar let downs, and the same lonesomeness, blind holy days, funerals, one time friendships and disappointments...and the same prayers to burn...and then You create another way...in the hopes that others will do like You...find a way to use their voice (medium), to pass along that warmth of knowledge...which is to get elevated through not only everyone and every little thing that creepith...but get elevated Yourself...like second hand smoke and a contact high...unlike religion...when Music is done proper in the vain of a storm in Heaven, or the art of Mark Rothko or the scribblings of Han Shan...yeah...others get high on Life...when You do War...others only get dead.. Your Mother In the words of BRMC * She would only wanna see your star shine...so don't double guess and fuck yourself...Do something as strong as she was....kind of like this trip you made....that's tough and very fucking cool instead of self defeating...So, Thank You for being yourself and relating to us...makes us know we are on the right track...that we still have a heart...just like You, Ruben and Kristen* even when it feels so torn out at Times.... .* iAN