Ask iAN * The bible of Jobs
Jesus Christ man, the jobs I've had.
I worked with two young flaming lips named Eric & Logan...our boss was the lead singer of black gasoline and he loved it when with my help we forged money from the till to have drankin' money...E & R saved my sorry ass when i was too hung over and screwed silly to hang clothes. It was a thrift store. There was a young strawberry haired girl that worked next to me. We started dating.
She gave me the clap.
We broke up
Then she died while trying to beat up a trucker in an 18 wheeler going 80 miles per hour...she blew up in flames...hardly even left a skeleton that once gave grace to her strawberry kisses... I got fired before that even went down...I had kurdt cobain stomach flu and i didn't know what to do.
One of my first jobs was mowing a yard for a sweet Homo antique collector...I admired his impeccable taste for tiffany lamps and my young sweet buxom tan buttocks...he never tried to guzzle my baby tork...and that's his loss as far as i'm concerned.
I had shit to do
places to be
faces to sell to
and hell to ride
I began selling local newspaper subscriptions door to door...I swear...
I never seen so many alcoholique wife beaters in my life.
I took the money
and I got in the van.
I can't rightly recall how I lost that job
but i did.
I worked at Suzie Q's flippin' burgers and washing dishes...everytime a burger would flip off my spatula and onto the hair floor below...my boss would cuss me the fuck out when
i threw the meat into the traush
he would grub down deep
wisk the meat out and tell me to quit wasting good chow.
Back on the burner the burger would go...and i cringed as i watched in horror from my cook window...the family scarfing up that plate full of hair, glass, metal and nike scuff*
I sold lottery tickets and pumped gas at a filling station one winter.
got fired for having long hair.
froze my balls off but i did once get tipped a dollar by a man who won 30 dollars on a scratcher ticket.
Then it was working 2nd shift stocking shelves at OSCO...way past midnight...boxes of tampons, just one after the fuckun' other....how could there be that much pussy in the world and i hadn't had any in a year? What a jip! I wrecked the forklift and I was history. Talk about your no pussy blues boy.
I went on and parked cars for the old and rich.
Christmas blowjobs and dented bumpers. I got fired for being passed out drunk with my jeans around my ankles. I had a line of old people...a stack of 10 or 12 wanting their valet boy to wake up and put his dick back in his jeans and grab the car...it was snowing out...and i just couldn't be bothered...i creamed on the floor and woke up to termination papers, a cold ass and my1980 silver arrow camaro out of petrol. They hired me back years later only to give me unemployment comp...suckers.*
I went on to clean out cars and refurbish them...
hunks of shit with steering wheels for lame marks...
spray painting the floorboard carpets, toothbrush scrubbing the cum stains out of the back seat of some dead pimp's ride....then off of work with my co working speed freaks, angel fuckers, mainliners, knob chompers, and downright dipshittery flunk headed mechanics....it was a blast until the I.R.S. shut us down and our boss went to jail for selling cock on broadway while selling and slammin' cola.
I was a cowboy boot seller at Sheplers country and western duds store. I hadn't a clue through my milky hangovers of what i was doing...telling old cowpokes that i admired pony shows and horses that could really swing dick at the rodeo...hell...i walked out of there when my crack head co worker wouldn't stop talkin' about how much she enjoyed snarfin' meth off her husband's bellend....i couldn't hack it any longer damn it!
I went on and worked for borders books. I was a karate firecracker in MAC make up
sellin' Mapplethorpe cock books to old foagies...selling draggin' balls books, olson twins bios to sperm necked geeks and old hacks...witchcraft novellas to republicans....they couldn't fire me because i quit. Look at 'em now...where you at now bitch?!!
I drove drunk delivering pharmaceuticals to old folks with one dollar. In their hot living rooms with dead plants and anorexique dogs and cats...on oxygen tanx they sat watching the price is right in slow motion....as their nimble fingers signed their death warrants on scripts they couldn't afford....i couldn't take the cold slaughter of it all...poor elders....so i napped in my car, then got loaded at the bar and went back to find my co worker and old junior high school friend had overdosed on our own product...she was dead, i was drunk and fired....and yeah...
I went on to work at a graveyard
digging graves for murdered gang bangers, babies, old folks, and people that had been hit upside the head by falling pianos....the cemetery grounds were as lazy and sunny as Oscar Wilde cracking hole in a warm bathtub...but the funerary tombstone art gave me the bob dylan blues....so i took a lot of lortab and whiskey and fell asleep driving a pick up truck through the graveyard after a funeral...i got fired.
I worked in a 2nd shift factory for 2 weeks grabbing junkmail off a conveyor belt black rubber table and then heaping it into mailbags and tossing them heavy bastards into a pile. After the first week i had obtained a hernia, threw my leg out and nearly spilled milk from my asscheeks from being under so much stress...i walked away....like the elephant man with a cane up his ass.
I worked for urban outfitters in Santa Monica for four days...the music and people made my ears and eyes bleed from the inside out and i had to split.
I was a busboy in Seattle for a little Chinese family owned restaurant...I got fired when i told the owner i wanted to smooch his wife's eggroll.
I took off and worked for tower records...I got fired after I cried at the register after one of my favorite singers overdosed...but i came back with a vengence and stole many compact disc in the weeks to come...cause i was hip to the secret shopper police man in disguise....fuck 'em.
I went on to make salads at a film Noir delicatessin' (sp) and we sold books and even turned the place into an Orson Wellesesque little theatre....i had to quit though...cause that weekly paycheck of 14 dollars just wasn't cutting it in L.A. for me at the time....
Then I worked for a huge Advert Agency. I couldn't hang with making a thousand dollars a week and moved back to kansas.
I worked at a porno magazine shop where men tossed their boners in the privacy of my own eyes without my conscent...and was subsequently fired for chugging down a 12 pack of beer with my step mother in the bathroom...good times.
I went on to drive a huge fuck all truck delivering magazines in a UPS sized gasoline fume leaking fucko truck...i was high at every delivery from 5 am to 7pm at night...i had to quit because i was throwing gay parties at my house at night and charging 3 dollars at the door to see swingin dicks, break dancing harlots and a room to hump a person in who had piercings everywhere but their ears.....it was a swell time....Lou Reed on the turntable....and drugs were bought and sold...but if you touched my books i took a knife to your neck...and no fucking billy joel on the turn table!
I worked for the actor Andy Dick's wife....and sold her shit and my shit and other people's shit...and i quit the night that bukowski died....i walked off down La brea avenue or some other L.A. city street drunk with my dog on a leash and cried into the palm tree night like a sorry fucker.....
I sold cocaine for a living....that lasted about a month until everybody around me was so paranoid that if a flea felched another flea...everybody in the room scrammed out like a lightning bolt in the ass of a fork up the ass of a tweeker.*
I worked in a factory for two daze making gastanks with the mentally ill.
I worked at a joint selling leather coats for two days until some goofs robbed the entire store of all its merchandise and we had sweet fuck all to sell and closed down
I worked as a vet tech...but got fired for trying to calm a german shepherd that was old and bleeding black blood from it's asshole as i snuggled up next to it in it's cold aqua green cage....
I worked at a spa for whores...cleaning up blood, sperm and left over dildos...wine glasses, piss and ball hairs...and then cleaning the jacuzzi tubs....
I washed cars for the stars
I drove cancer around for two years only to see it win over two of the most wonderful people i have ever known....
a job is a job is a job bob.
I worked on houses with junkies
I worked on houses with christians
i worked on houses with friends and cleaned up more mice shit than you can shake a stick at
i cleaned offices
i worked for Shell petrol selling coffee and smokes to the elephant man's cousin and all of Bellevue Seattle....until i got my first whiff of a panic attack and had to split.
I worked for a record store that nearly fired me the day that smells like teen spirit was released as a single before the album came out...was scorned for playing in the store this song that the manager with the lip hair had never heard of....
I worked for a ticket agency....buying and selling and scamming tickets for bands that suck far too much to charge that much.....
I cleaned up movie theatres for candy....
i cleaned out busses at night.
I mopped up yer throw up
i cleaned yer bogs
i wiped your mirrors clean
and I brought you drinks to your table.....
i just hustle as best as a little hawk can do....shux*
and that's only half of my resume'